summer’s sun shines.
the illumination.
i find myself, sitting at my desk, coming back home to myself. searching the words that will perfectly bow tie all of the experiences i’ve had in the almost year since i last posted.
illustration by ines sulj
i want to find the words to explain my presence. my absence. my absence within my presence. and my presence within my absence.
this time away has shown me. i have a tendency to find dark corners and stay there too long. but that i can also find the light within. i can tear down, stretch, create, and recreate. i can spiral out, into depression and self sabotage. i can build better habits and new relationships. i can lie to myself and be honest with others. i can make changes and decide who i want to be. i can grow. and i can begin, again and again. as many times as i need to.
coming to these realization has been a challenge. it has allowed me to see that as much as i’ve wanted to appear that way, i’m not perfect. i’m not the poster child definition of a “healed” person. (and that’s okay.)
i used to believe that being a “healed” person had to look a certain way. that it would feel a certain way. that i would just know, once i had “arrived” there. i used to believe that being on a healing journey was linear. that i could just set a goal in my mind and that it would just happen for me because i wanted it and put in a little effort.
but this journey, this time away, has showed me i’m a person, who is healing. i’m a person, who is spiraling upwards. being in spaces i’ve been before, making some of the same decisions, to learn the lesson again, from a new perspective. but i’m also making some new decisions. creating a “new respect for the person this messy healing has allowed me to become.” - excerpt from my poem tamarind
illustration by @crazyheadcomics
i stand before myself now, innerstanding that i am a decision maker. a creatress. of all kinds of decisions. all kinds of worlds. in all of which, it’s up to me to decide how high i want to fly.
and i, am choosing to continue to spiral upwards. i am choosing to continue to fly higher. (i hope you are, too.)
stay up and fly high, my flying friends.
- flyy