constantly unfolding.
past. present. future.
as a woman in my 30s, i find myself being confronted with so many conflicting ideas about my desires: the ones i was traditionally taught to want to experience versus all the parts of me that just didn’t fit those molds. and even the ones that i just knew i would have by now. and it really didn’t matter how they came into my field of view, because i knew i wanted them regardless
as a child, i envisioned that i would be living in jamaica. i would have long had my dream wedding. cliffside, right by the beach. watching the sun dance on the melanated skin of all our guests. the wind, i’d imagine would paint smiles on all of our faces. and our love, our love, would encouraging everyone to seek to dive deeper into the love present in their lives.
i was sure we would be living in the hills, living off the land. all of us, including the babies (yes, multiple). i knew, all of our crowns would be adorned with locs. we would garden, eat whole foods, home school. you know, we would be really living. i mean, flourishing, without a care in the world!
illustration by djuwitau
back then, i thought that at this “big” age, i would have naturally found and grown into these visions i had for myself. that my life would naturally and organically flow, the way they seemed (at least to me) to happen for the characters on the tv screens. i used to think that desire was enough to guide me to any direction i wanted to go. i used to think that enough desire would lead to guaranteed success. if i could just want it bad enough, i could get anything i wanted.
but my experience has taught me differently. it has taught me that to see these dreams. these visions. means that i have to work to make come to life. it has shown me that i must show up. to most, if not all, at least most, of my days, with my own dedication, passion, positive energy, and work ethic in my hands.
i must be ready to plant them, wherever i am. because it is in all of these traits, that drives forward progress.
illustration by sandy hubbard
but with all of these traditional ideas “battling” with these new ideas and alternative routes to get to the same destinations, it has been confusing, to figure out which path to take. and which one will allow me to control the outcome. and ensure that that is the destination i really want to end up at.
this battle of what i have come to understand is me, trying to “have it all figured out.” to do it right, or perfectly has gotten exhausting. it’s been exhausting to fight it all. to go against the wall of the traditional way. or trying the rebellious route. or somewhere in between stumbling in the darkness, trying to light my own path. i have come to find that i’ve been trying to be so control that at times i’ve been inauthentic.
as a result, finding myself in places, falling into the same patterns as the ones i was running away from. has been really hard. and has pushed into yet another direction. yet another upward spiral.
and though there is some part of me that i think may always want to be in control and know it all, i understand now that my desire for control, doesn’t accommodate the way in which spirit is working. it doesn’t allow me to really try new things. it doesn’t allow me to explore. to make mistakes. to change my mind. or even truly welcome in others into my life. it doesn’t allow for any of that. it just keeps me locked away, inside of my own self-created prison.
and i’m tired. tired of being the reason that i hold myself back.
so, i’m unfolding, i’m learning, and unlearning, that it’s okay to have and use my voice. it’s okay to take from tradition. it’s okay to give some parts back.. it’s also okay to rebel. and above all else, it’s okay to change my mind. it’s okay to learn to be flexible in my approach, while learning/getting clear on what it is i want.
as my professor, hiram sims, always says, in order to see the visions we hold, really come to life, “we must hold the vision, and hold it, over time.”
this taught me, and continuously teaches me that i will always be learning. i will always be growing. changing. evolving, and unfolding. and that i have to keep doing what i need to. as many times as i need to. until i can look at the person, looking back in the mirror and love what i see looking back. until i can look around at my life. my friends. my career. my partner. my future star seeds. all of it and be happy with what i see.
as always, stay up and fly high, my flying friends.
- flyy